The Joke Thread.

[Guest]

Donation Status

[Doug Doolin]

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no-one knows what they are.

[twhitaker]

Redneck Ettiquette Tips -- Part One...

Going Out:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Entertaining In Your Home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

[twhitaker]

Redneck Etiquette Tips -- Part Two...

Dating:
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

[twhitaker]

Funny Signs...

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car!

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

SPOTTED ON A SIGN IN SCOTLAND: Eat here and you'll never live to regret it.

[Dean Rose]

[gliderjohn]

Rules of the air (glider)

1. If the wind is calm when you leave home it will be too windy by the time you arrive at the airport (Kansas).
2. If it is the perfect gliding day the tow plane will not start.
3. If it is the perfect gliding day you are probably at work.
4. Checklists are for morons until you didn't use one and about killed yourself or others.
5. If you hold to high on the take off run, after landing the tow pilot will demonstrate with your face how low to be.
6. If you do not have a plan of action for possible tow rope break it will break.
7. The one day thermals are working above 12,000 feet you do not have oxygen on board.
8. The only thermal in the area will be about one mile out of reach.
9. As with motorcycles the operator's experience will beat technology.
10. Once you are committed to land you will land one way or the the other.
11. When landing out fields almost always look smoother from the air than they are.
12. The perfect day is riding to the airport and having a great flight.

[charlie b]

Just a couple.  Rules for the military types.

1.  Be sure whoever is placing the Claymores knows how to read.  "This side toward enemy" needs to be pointed in the correct direction.

2.  Never parachute over the spot where you just dropped your bombs.

[Doug Doolin]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Doug


 

[twhitaker]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said, 'Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?'   She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'   It took
a few minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[twhitaker]

Origins of the Internet...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was named Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the goods can be delivered by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were a wondrous happening. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. He was called a Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominant Siderite, or NERD for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

[Nick in PRC.]

Thought this was the most appropriate thread to post this.

The artist formally known as Captain Nemo, Captain Jack, Oprah, Thy Lard and many many more is pleased to announce that once again The Rolling Crows are up and moving again.

http://therollingcrowmotorcycleclub.yuku.com/topic/362/master/1/?page=1

Just remember though............. ..

[MotoGuzziEd]

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a
wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their
team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a
nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way
you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, IF you don't wake up aching in every
joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that
matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't
matter!

[Ricko]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

[Hacksaw]

Bit of Military humor.

Know why they started putting Marines on Navy ships?
Sheep would have been WAY to obvious.


Know why they call 'em Jarheads anymore?
Because you can put something in a jar.


ARMY
Be all you can be................. ........If that's ALL you can be.

[twhitaker]

The Best of Late Night...

"George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that's just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer." --David Letterman

 

"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien

 

"The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it's a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren't Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil." --Jay Leno

 

"The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail!'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"And it's not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, you know, having to get a real job." --Jay Leno

 

"Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien

 

"God forbid, they don't want to do that. And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good." --Jay Leno

 

"When a journalist throws his shoes at the President, if you're a late night talk show host, you go, 'Aaahhh!' Good times. It's like when Cheney shot his lawyer. You go: 'Aaaahhhh! Well, that's tonight's show taken care of.'" --Craig Ferguson

 

"The economy is in bad shape. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois Senate seat for $149. Amazing, marked down from half a million." --Jay Leno

 

"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

[Dean Rose]

Definition of a Transvestite:

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

[JohnG.]

OZ Joke...
A Wombat(Native animal)...eats, 'roots' (OZ term for sex) & leaves...

[travelingbyguzzi]

  Why was Frosty the Snowman excited?


  He heard that a snowblower was coming down the street.


\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

 How do you turn you dishwasher into a snowplow?

 Hand her a shovel.

[SidecarMike]

I follow it when it shows up, otherwise it's too hard to find.

[twhitaker]

The Best of Late Night...

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party. The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It's that cold." --David Letterman

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien

"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno

"And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money. - David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno

"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman

"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." --Jay Leno

"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno

"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman

[Tom]

People calling my 2004 Nero Corsa an old bike.

[twhitaker]

Alternative Affirmations...

It is a time of resolutions. I made one resolution many years ago and I have stuck to it. I resolved to no longer make resolutions. The following are some alternative affirmations for a new year.

At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

[twhitaker]

True Time Management...

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out overthe urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[twhitaker]

Old Is When...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN..
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You're not sure if these are jokes.

[twhitaker]

Meat Tree...

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hilll und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said. "So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute."He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree ... it vuz a ham bush."

[twhitaker]

Depending upon your political affiliation these may be jokes or a source of embarassment. Read on........


President George W. Bush will leave behind a legacy of Bushisms, the label stamped on the commander in chief's original speaking style. Some of the president's more notable malaprops and mangled statements:

___

• "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." — September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

• "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

• "They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander in chief, too." — Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.

• "There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." — Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

• "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." — April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

• "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." — April 18, 2002, at the White House.

• "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." — Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

• "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." — Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

• "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

• "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." — April 20, 2005, in Washington.

• "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." — Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.

• "I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." — Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

• "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." — June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

• "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." — Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

• "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." — June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

• "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." — September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.

• "Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House.

• "The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." — May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

• "And they have no disregard for human life." — July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.

• "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." — June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.

• "Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." — July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

• "The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer — prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them. It's good to come down here." — Sept. 3, 2008, at an emergency operations center in Baton Rouge, La., after Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast.

• "This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

[Tom]

Do you actually work when you are at work???

[Jim Rich]

"or we pine for the return of Enzo"

No we don't.

[Tom]

Look like Chuck U. Farley is back on line.

[Dean Rose]

Do you actually work when you are at work???

Sweet deal huh, that and his wife buys him bikes.

[Goose]

How many folks on this board could stand up to the examination of every minute of their life? What would we look like. Why do we expect politicians to be perfect all the time. I know i make mistakes daily.

[Dean Rose]

How many folks on this board could stand up to the examination of every minute of their life? What would we look like. Why do we expect politicians to be perfect all the time. I know i make mistakes daily.

Damn Gary, getting soft living out there on the Left Coast. Hell you might become a Liberal if you don't watch out.

[Goose]

How many folks on this board could stand up to the examination of every minute of their life? What would we look like. Why do we expect politicians to be perfect all the time. I know i make mistakes daily.

Damn Gary, getting soft living out there on the Left Coast. Hell you might become a Liberal if you don't watch out.

Not getting soft...thought this for a long time. Always believed in freedom to live my life...and the same for others except when they wanted to infringe upon my freedom.

Had Bill Clinton stated that he got a blow job, I might have some respect for him.

[Dean Rose]

How many folks on this board could stand up to the examination of every minute of their life? What would we look like. Why do we expect politicians to be perfect all the time. I know i make mistakes daily.

Damn Gary, getting soft living out there on the Left Coast. Hell you might become a Liberal if you don't watch out.

Not getting soft...thought this for a long time. Always believed in freedom to live my life...and the same for others except when they wanted to infringe upon my freedom.

Had Bill Clinton stated that he got a blow job, I might have some respect for him.

Maybe if he hadn't done it in the White House. He is a brilliant politician, he just lets his penis think for him at times. His disrespect for the office of the president is what made me lose respect for him. 

[charlie b]

Bush may figure there are only 48 states, but our new guy says there are 57 

ole Bill was a great talker.  I wouldn't call him brilliant.  If he was, he'd not have got caught.  Always wondered why he was so fixated on BJ's.  Maybe cause no paternity suits that way?  Or that was one of the wife's rules for messing around?  Or just a 'power' thing.

IMHO, 'brilliant' and 'politician' are oxymorons.   

Politician still equals crook (all parties, all levels of govt), most have just not been caught/prosecuted.  Some are prosecuted and still get re-elected!  Makes me want to stop voting.  But, then I couldn't whine about them

charlie

[twhitaker]

Til Death Do Us Part...

Little Johnny was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," Little Johnny responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," Little Johnny said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

[twhitaker]

Italian Story

Luigi ( the father ) says to his son: 'I want you to marry a girl of my
choice.'
The son says: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'

Luigi says: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.'
Son answers: 'Well, in that case . . . ok.'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, 'I have a husband for your
daughter...'
Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'

Luigi says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the WorldBank'
Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.'

Finally, Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Luigi says: 'I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.'
The president answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I
need!'

Luigi says : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
The president answers: 'Ah , in that case . . . ok.'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business !

[twhitaker]

Sargaent Major...

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked,'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative,ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''

''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally The young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955' , he replied.

Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

[johnr]

Had Bill Clinton stated that he got a blow job, I might have some respect for him.

Good grief would any of us have owned up to that simply on the asking? 'Twould have been unatural not to try to get away with that. After all it was a very private part of his personal life and hardly a matter of national business.  I felt that the whole episode showed the humanity of the man, and my respect for him went up. (to greater levels than any other US pres. before or since in my lifetime, with the possable exception of Kennedy, and he had his extra curicular funzies with Marilyn Munro)

It would have been a whole different ball game if it had not been something personal. (Like lies about weapons of mass destruction and links between Sadam and 9/11.  Crap! All just an excuse for a baseless  invasion of someone elses country)

[Offcamber1]

Had Bill Clinton stated that he got a blow job, I might have some respect for him.

Good grief would any of us have owned up to that simply on the asking? 'Twould have been unatural not to try to get away with that. After all it was a very private part of his personal life and hardly a matter of national business.  I felt that the whole episode showed the humanity of the man, and my respect for him went up. (to greater levels than any other US pres. before or since in my lifetime, with the possable exception of Kennedy, and he had his extra curicular funzies with Marilyn Munro)

It would have been a whole different ball game if it had not been something personal. (Like lies about weapons of mass destruction and links between Sadam and 9/11.  Crap! All just an excuse for a baseless  invasion of someone elses country)

If Wild Bill had been getting it on with the blonde of the century like JFK, I might have had some respect for him as well.  But Monica?  Give me a break!