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Parent in nursing home

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Rough Edge racing:
  My wife's mom is 92 years old and dementia is  taking hold, never mind congestive heart failure. My wife goes over to her house every day for a few hours to help her. One of my wife's two useless brothers lives at home with the old woman but he's little help and contributes nothing to the upkeep of the home.......
...Make a long story short...My wife is at wits end taking care of her mother...Besides my suggestion to fill her pockets with rocks and push her into the pond, it might be time for a nursing home.
  We are somewhat aware of the financial dealings of nursing homes.....if any of you have personal experiences to share with putting a parent in a home I would appreciate the advice....We live in NY state if that makes a difference...Thanks

I've been through it.   My mom had the choice of living with us and we'd care for her, living at home and we'd have someone there caring for her, or living in an assissted living home.

She wouldn't accept any of those.  She wanted to stay by herself, the way things always were. That's why they call it "dementia" - at some point, rational decisions are no longer possible and you have to do what is the best and least intrusive thing for the ones you love.

After the third time of being carried out of the house on a gurney, we chose to move her essential furniture into an assisted living home, made it as home-like as possible.   Took her about 2 months to get used to it, then it was OK.   HUGE peace of mind on our part knowing she wasn't just laying on the floor between our calls and visits.

Cost about $3500 a month.

Your situation may vary.   I and her other children were 100% together on it, that helped a lot. 

Good luck!


If it's any help, you're not alone in this.  My mother-in-law has Parkinson's and is unable to live alone anymore in her house.  We moved her from her home in Kentucky to a senior high-rise here in Memphis two years ago where she gets meals, laundry done but still has her own efficiency apt.  The stress has been tremendous for my wife, and me, as wife's sister has written the mother off and will not even talk with her.  

On the other side of the fence, since my dad passed away, my mother (81) will be moving to a small house near us next weekend.  I'll by flying to Florida to drive her back.  She's in and out of the hospital frequently but insists on being self sufficient but is very needy for time, loves to spend money, which she won't accept is in finite supply, and with two teen agers, we're pretty swamped on a daily basis.  Neither one of the mom's are anywhere near being declared incompetent so are free to make their own choices.  Something my mom never had to do while dad was alive.

The sandwich generation.  Care givers to younger and older family.

Sincere wishes that you get the answers you need.


Rough Edge racing:
 Thanks...and if she live longer than her money....Medicade takes over???

I can only comment on Kansas. About six years ago when my mother was in her 90s she was getting significant dementia and then had a suspected stroke. It was then we had to use a nursing home. We are lucky to have several decent nursing homes close to us and was able to put her in on about 10 miles from our house. Average cost about 6-7K per month depending upon services that particular month.
Although this home was a good one as far as nursing homes go it was still a nursing home. Here are some suggestions from our experiences.
1. Do your best to work with the staff in a supportive and tactful way. Most really do want to provide the best care possible.
2. Drop in at different times and days.
3. Check the state inspection reports. Most states require them to either be posted or available upon request.
4. There usually is not much closet space so try to rotate clothing for the season.
5. Visit on a regular basis, not only to support your loved one but to impress on staff that you care and will be around.
6. Try to assist so that the room does not become cluttered.
7. Minimise temptation by not having expensive jewelry, etc. in the room.
8. Let the staff know you appreciate their efforts with a verbal thank you or occasional card.
9. We always tried to bring appropriate treats for the staff on holidays.

A nursing home is never going to be ideal but is sometimes needed. YMMV.


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