Wildguzzi.com
General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Cool Runnings on September 05, 2016, 02:32:02 PM
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There's More Old Drunks Than There Are Old Doctors...
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Anything free is worth saving up for :grin:
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Don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of
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You can't teach an old drunk new tricks .
Dusty
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You can't teach an old drunk new tricks .
Dusty
??
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My English friend says "He could talk a glass eye to sleep."
Cracks me up every time.
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A watched pot never boils. :popcorn:
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Never dip your bread in another man's soup!
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A good fence should be pig tight, horse high, and bull strong. :popcorn:
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,,, rather have a bottle in front of me
than have a frontal lobotomy
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There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. :popcorn:
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Nuttier than a squirrel turd :laugh:
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You just load the wagon. I'll tend to the mule.
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It's a small world but I'd hate to paint it.
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Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.
Calvin Short (my dad)😊
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Never try to saddle a drunk horse .
Dusty
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Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock.
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A watched boil never pops.
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He who shall, so shall he who.
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I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling...
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Beauty is in the hold of the behinder.
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Clowns to the left of me , jokers to the right , and apparently we aren't in Kansas anymore .
Dusty
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(http://thumb.ibb.co/gNoWiv/image.jpg) (http://ibb.co/gNoWiv)
Clowns to the left of me , jokers to the right , and apparently we aren't in Kansas anymore .
Dusty
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he/she who stands on head have crack up
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Keep your hopes high, and your standards low !
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Don't ride/drive/fly faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Use superior judgment so you won't have to demonstrate superior skill.
There are old pilots/riders and bold pilots/riders but few old bold ones.
GliderJohn
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You wouldn't be dead for quids.
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It aint worth two dead flies in buttermilk.
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he not busy being born is busy dying
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If you leave it to Beaver , everything be dammed .
Dusty
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Always expect the worst. That way you are never disappointed and often pleasantly surprised.
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An old man once told a young newly married man, "Son there are two things you can not wear out, one is a pig's nose"
Go through money like a dose of salts through a widow woman.
She was so mad, her hair was burning and her ass was catching.
A newly married man was heard talking to an old man. He was concerned about his love life. The old man pointed to the fence out front of the house. Son, the post will rot away, but the hole will still be there.
All I can think of for the moment.
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off like a prom dress :popcorn:
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From grandmother:
Big drops don't last long.
Mare's tails and fish scales mean rain in two days.
Both are true here in the midwest. I'll see if I can think of more.
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Well let's not get wrapped around the axel over that!
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-I havent seen you in a month of sundays
-I havent seen you in a coons age
-A whirling dervish
-calling young men "son"
-Say it forget it, write it regret it
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I've got 12 inches but I don't use it as a rule.
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She said " put it in and walk towards me slowly" :grin:
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If it ain't broke.. don't fix it..
(https://photos.smugmug.com/DR-650/i-J79pqnw/0/M/Screen%20Shot%202016-09-05%20at%207.31.28%20PM-M.png) (https://fotoguzzi.smugmug.com/DR-650/i-J79pqnw/A)
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You can't fix Stupid.
My mother says she didn't raise no dummy, she raised an imbecile! :drool:
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You can't fix Stupid.
that's good, best so far..
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels -Groucho Marx
A man is not complete until he is married...then he is finished! - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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that's good, best so far..
The other..Stupid Hurts!
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Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining!!
Democracy... It's not for idiots!! ( one of my dad's favorites)
Do or don't do...there is no try!
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You never met the nicest people on a Triumph .
Dusty
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Never try to saddle a drunk horse .
Dusty
You been watchin' Cat Ballou again?
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https://www.youtube.com/embed/V8lT1o0sDwI
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-A whirling dervish
Actually, this is a real religious ritual from the Sufi branch of Islam ("Sufis rule!", declared Danny De Vito). See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sufi_whirling (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sufi_whirling)
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You been watchin' Cat Ballou again?
Cat WHO ?
Dusty
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Never trust a man wearing a belt and suspenders
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better to leave mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all dought.
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One of my favorite authors, Rebecca Ore, wrote " Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining ".
Cat Ballou, fond memories of that movie. Eighteen, amidst my thumb gypsy days, passing through Berkley, went to the college, they were showing the film and serving popcorn for a fundraiser. I gave them my last dollar-fifty, gorged on popcorn, flirted shamelessly with the girl running the projector and slept in the student lounge when the movie was over.
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On the other hand you have different fingers.
You never know where the line is till you cross it.
Cornier than Kansas in August.
Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
Nobody walks in LA. (Los Angeles, not Lewsy-anna)
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Don't bother to try to talk sense to idiots. They're more experienced in idiocy than you and will beat you every time.
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How ya fixed for spit?
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Cat WHO ?
Dusty
Well, I can't post a good photo of Cat (copyright, drat!).
But this is the horse (with Lee Marvin)...
(http://media.cleveland.com/moviebuff_impact/photo/9593170-large.jpg)
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I heard you twice the first time.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
As I used to hear in S. Carolina: Ya gotta put both feet in the bucket before you stomp the snake.
I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
I'll f**k off, you wait here.
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It ain't worth a Tinker's Damn!
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It ain't worth a Tinker's Damn!
Tinkers dam , literally a small dam made from putty or solder .
Dusty
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Tinkers' dam A small dam made from putty FOR solder. Fixed it for ya.
A tinker could fix a hole in a copper bucket or whatever by encircling the leak with a putty dam then pouring melted solder into it. The dam held the solder in shape until it cooled. When the repair was done the dam was just so much dried putty and not worth much at all.
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Cat ballou.
Doctor to Indian.
You caught it the same old way, we cure it the same old way.
Said while waving a red hot wire in his hand.
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I did not know that about a Tinker's dam.
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The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
And my grandmother's favorite:
Whatcha make in the oranges you lose in the bananas. Every time.
G
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Mad as a box of frogs
Mad as cheese (one from Lincolnshire)
Why is a Duck? Because one leg is both the same (No idea what that's supposed to mean but was one of my Old Mans favourite sayings)
Face like a bag of spanners
Dim as a Toc-h lamp
Don't know whether he's punched, bored or countersunk
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Wish in one hand, sh!t in the other.. see which fills up first.
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The smoker I drink, the player I get.
Like a Rat up a drain pipe.
Like a Flash Rat with a gold tooth.
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You cannot reason a person out of a position that they did not reason themselves into.
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Three moves is the same as a fire.
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I think I'm stealing this from someone here;
Never use a big word when a diminutive one will work.😂
I love this one!!
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Elephants always have the right of way .
Dusty
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A couple I learned from Bob Nolan, RIP
"Hotter than the hubs of hell"
"Tighter than Dick's hatband"
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That boy is so skinny, he could stand under a clothes line in a thunderstorm and not get wet.
Her face looked like it caught on fire and someone put it out with an icepick.
That sucker is flatter than a flitter!
Even a blind hog finds an acorn sometimes.
A golfer overheard talking about the greens keeper: "I would like to buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth".
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that shines like a diamond in a goats a$$
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Snow is what you pay to ski on, not live in for 6 months of the year.
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In some disputes everyone involved is a jackass .
Dusty
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I just said this tonight as I was preparing the Guzzi for the Mandeĺlo trip when I thought I lost a spacer.
"Well, that's a fine Howdaya do!"
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Life is hard, it's harder if you are stupid..
she is so skinny, if she drank kool-aid, she would look like a thermometer.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone.
Old head
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She's so fat she goes out in high heels and comes home with flip flops.
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Always obey your superiors, assuming you have any.
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Don't dip your pen in the company ink.
Don't get your honey where you get your money.
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"No little bird ever flew so high that it didn't have to land"
"If it (rain) starts before seven, it'll stop before eleven."
"I'll throw a rock in your garden some day" (when someone does you a favor). I think it should be "...out of your garden..."
"To each his own, said Mrs. O'Leary, when she kissed the cow."
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I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on:)
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Time flies like an arrow.
But fruit flies like a banana.
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Slicker than dog snot on a round door knob.....
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Some of my favorites from the New Statesman competition:
An owl in a sack troubles no man.
He hikes highest who highest hikes.
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That will go over like a lead balloon!
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That will go over like a lead balloon!
Or as the Brits say , Lead Zeppelin :laugh:
Dusty
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/old_zpshu4jbkyh.jpg)
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She who indulges...bulges.
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/what%20happened_zpsd3a9ajfe.jpg)
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Well ...
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/another%20drink_zpsrqsvpwyz.jpg)
:boozing:
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Slicker than dog snot on a round door knob.....
Puppy snot,my friend, puppy snot
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She is a three bagger. You put a bag over her head One over your head and one over your dogs head so he'll have respect for you in the morning.
Easier than having sex in prison.
She got hit in the head with a bag of rectums and half of them stuck.
She is a Viagra killer.
That's all for now folks.
Tex
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No fishing off the company pier
Don't shit where you eat
Measure twice, cut once
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How can I be over the Hill? I never made it to the top...
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It's always darkest before the dawn
When you see a fork in the road, take it. Y Berra
Better to have him inside the tent pi$$ing out than outside the tent pi$$ing in. LBJ
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When the yelling starts , the discussion ends .
Dusty
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When the yelling starts , the discussion ends .
Dusty
Now, there's a moderator talking! :grin:
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Now, there's a moderator talking! :grin:
:laugh: Yeah , but it is still true .
Dusty
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Polishing your pants on saddle leather don't make you a rider.
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Measure twice, cut once
One of my friends used to always say:
"I cut it twice and it's still too short."
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"Sometimes chicken. Sometimes feathers..."
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To encourage alternate views/ideas to be presented, my former company had this posted in conference rooms:
When two business partners always agree, one of them is unnecessary....
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"A horse that S***s fast never S***s long.
Couldn't pour P**s out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
The smoker you drink, the player you get.
Nothing affects a man like one of those ball bearing jackasses. (motorcycle)"
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To encourage alternate views/ideas to be presented, my former company had this posted in conference rooms:
When two business partners always agree, one of them is unnecessary....
Wait, you said 'former'? You must have been too agreeable! :evil:
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A crusty old diesel mechanic I worked worked with years ago regarding his luck:
If I fell into a barrel of titties, I'd come up with a d*ck in my mouth!
His other gem was referring to our secretary that stood over 6 feet tall:
She's tall enough to stand flat footed and shit in a dump truck.
Old sayings or colloquialisms?
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"Educated Incapacity" - the learned inability to understand or even perceive a problem, much less a solution.
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/Bullshit_zpsc0bmm5ky.jpg)
Maybe not! :boozing:
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AUpon reflection, previous post needs further explanation. :embarrassed:
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/Educationisimportanter_zpsdc08bjtd.jpg)
:boozing:
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Couldn't organise a f#£% in a brothel with a fist full of $100 bills.
Some village is short of an idiot
There's money in s√πt.
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I ain't as drunk as some theeple pink.
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When two fools meet, be the one who leaves with the money.
That dog won't hunt.
couldn't pull a sick whore off a piss pot
All hat and no cattle
forty years a cowboy and never stepped is shit
if braines were dynamite he/she couldn't blow thier nose
beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/grader_zpsu59dpl3q.jpg)
:cry:
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"You'll NEVER fill up 40 megabytes!!"
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/USB_Flash_Drive_Moto_Guzzi_Red_zpss8wt5nvx.jpg)
:tongue:
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"You'll NEVER fill up 40 megabytes!!"
:tongue:
Well, if you're gonna bring up the IT sayings, I've got a bucketful!
From Bill Gates (though he claims he didn't say all of them)
"640K should be enough for anyone."
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time."
"There won’t be anything we won’t say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go."
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Gee Ward, you were pretty rough on the beaver last night.
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:sad:
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/leo_zpsvktn3pdw.jpg)
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Gee Ward, you were pretty rough on the beaver last night.
Yeah , except that wasn't exactly what the Beav's mom said :shocked:
Dusty
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an ounce of BS is worth a pound of knowledge most of the time!!!
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Never trust a man wearing a belt and suspenders
I guess there's not much trust around a Guzzi campfire.
LOL !!!
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/happy%20riding_zpsznempvpj.jpg)
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an ounce of BS is worth a pound of knowledge most of the time!!!
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/you%20wish_zpsbjymoxyj.jpg)
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She is a three bagger. You put a bag over her head One over your head and one over your dogs head so he'll have respect for you in the morning.
Easier than having sex in prison.
She got hit in the head with a bag of rectums and half of them stuck.
She is a Viagra killer.
That's all for now folks.
Tex
You win the contest Tex! ROTFLMAO !
Rick
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" Don't crash the Balls "
That's what my older Italian Cousin told me just before I rode a motorcycle for the first time about 30 years ago. Still live by those words.
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If you lay down with sheep you start to smell like them.
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A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it’s not worth it.
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Business before pleasure
always hated that one
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A few from work:
He has finally reached his level of incompetence.
Pound it to fit and paint it to match.
A little zinc chromate covers a multitudes of sins.
Your job is a bird nest on the ground.
Shines like a diamond in a goat's ass.
All it lacks is finishing up.
It flew in here; it'll fly out.
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The inventor of autocorrect died recently. May he restaurant in peace...
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/typo_zps4fwso7se.jpg)
:laugh:
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Don't worry about losing control; you can't lose what you never had.
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I'm totally surrounded by incompetence
That's slicker than cat shit
We in high cotton now
If I want any lip from you I'll scrape it off my zipper
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I'm totally surrounded by incompetence
That's slicker than cat shit
We in high cotton now
If I want any lip from you I'll scrape it off my zipper
I can't see that first phrase without hearing Jimmy Durante! Unfortunately, I can't find a link to that clip...
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"IS MY BIKE DONE YET?"
"It's not how much you make but how much you keep."
"He's got about as much chance as a snowball in hell."
"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
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FAST - CHEAP - GOOD
Pick any two of the three.
(Often seen in printing shops when I first started working)
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Which way do we go? Which way do we go?
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/right%20turn%20clyde_zpsizbqba37.jpg)
:azn:
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George Carlin - Everyday Expressions that don't make sense:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUG0IMjfxCE
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I'm totally surrounded by incompetence
That's slicker than cat shit
We in high cotton now
If I want any lip from you I'll scrape it off my zipper
Love the last one. Didn't think it would be mentioned!!!!
Many of these are great and timeless!!!!
Tom
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My one, when it comes to engineering is, "hope is not a strategy!"
And one of our apprentices was described as "as useful as two blokes on leave."
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Then, of course, there are all the old saying that are professional slurs...
"An architect is a draftsman with his brain removed"
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Being self employed people always ask: have you been busy? I respond "busy's easy, makin' money's the hard part".
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/awsome-brick-brick-wall-nature-photography-tree-Favim.com-46500_zpsljhsqcpz.jpg)
(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/cool_zpsc9crct15.gif)
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(http://i1299.photobucket.com/albums/ag77/Penderic/Penderic002/vintage%20mug_zpsp9odaqum.jpg)
Hey! Who the heck do you have to "speak to", around here, to get a drink ?
:tongue:
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My grandmother's Indian weather signs are out of date. I have one. When you lose the TV satellite signal, there's a storm coming from the Southwest. :smiley: