Reconnecting with family?

[jlburgess]

normally I wouldn't post this on the internet but the crowd here seems to have so much knowledge I think that this may help. I had a really bad childhood and wound up in jail and drugs and lots of other bad stuff for a long time. I finally made a life for myself but I had to distance myself from my inner family because pain from the past. at this point I'm almost 50 and my parents are in their seventies and I felt it was time to reconnect. I think I am wiser now and less easily offended and hopefully more patient and things will work out. Any words of wisdom from similar problems?  Thanks, John 

[fotoguzzi]

Best to spend some time w/Mom and Dad now, imagine how you'd feel if you didn't and they passed.. I was pretty vacant from my parents foe some years, I'm sure my mom worried a lot and wished Iwoulda called more.. now they are 91, I go there almost every weekend.. It was really cute seeing them learn how to FaceTime and they call all the grandkids that way now..

seen here FT'ing with my brother in Sweden,

[TobyJug]

Don't wait too long.

[normzone]

Yeah, don't wait and talk to them as much as you can, if you have any questions now is the time to ask.

After my dad was gone I thought of plenty of things I wished I'd asked him about his youth and misadventures.

[Bill Hagan]

Think NIKE: Just Do It!

Seriously, based on that little revealing snippet of maturity you posted, they should be darn proud of you.

I have a similar problem ... in reverse.  My son (now 44) and I have had difficult times with each other.

But, as we both "grew," he and I have had a recent and loving rapprochement.

We both regret the "lost years," and try to do as best we can with the ones left.

In your case, even if rebuffed, be patient.  It is usually a process requiring time, not the sweep of a magic wand.

Best wishes,

Bill

[Dilliw]

My advice would be to take a couple of visits with a local family therapist before you attempt the relationship.  A good one will have seen this situation before and might be able to help you avoid a pitfall or two. 

At work we have a course centered around the book Crucial Conversations.  Although it's work related I've used the skills to at least some success with the female inhabitants around here. 

[MGPilot]

My family was not good for me. Could only take them in small doses, then needed a lot of time apart. It's fine to connect with them. You can always start brief and do more if it works out.

[nunzio]

I'm going to be honest.

Don't get too high on getting back in touch "dream".

We don't want you to get too disappointed if things don't work out.


You may realize why you had to split in the first place.

You have grown ,but, your family may not have.

I would Follow MGPilot's advice.

I pray that everything works out for you and your family.

I'm really glad you found your way after a rough start!!....Alan

[boatdetective]

I would also recommend you seek out a therapist. Find someone good who will give you direct insight and who won't string you along. You may be very surprised at what you'll learn. I certainly was.

The advice about watching your expectations is sound. You may have unknowingly set up a whole idea of the reconnect and how it should be.  That may not be how things are, tho.

Go see a pro- you owe it to yourself

[oldbike54]

 Damn , this is a tough situation , very similar to my own . Guess after weighing my options , chose the less toxic option .

  Dusty

[davedel44]

John,

I think we share some common ground here.  I was estranged from my family for many years.  As a teenager I was extremely angry.  My anger manifested itself in self-destructive sometimes criminal behavior.
I was angry at my family and everyone else.  I dropped out of high school, got a menial job and was rarely home.  I felt lost and alone and feared the future.

We are all hard wired with instinctive reaction, that feral fight-or-flight response.  I was so fearful I fought.  I fought all comers, family, friends, even strangers. I fought them all till I couldn't fight anymore.  Then I fled.  I left school, I left home, I finally left town self-medicating all the way.

With a lot of introspection I realized that my Mom and my siblings were feeling the same fear and loneliness that I had.  I struggled for years to reconcile with my family and I'm glad I did.  It took effort on everybody's part, especially mine.  We forgave each other for our past actions and started anew.  We finally reconciled.  I thank God we did.  I lost my Mom in 1995 and my Brother last year.   I cherish our loving relationship and miss them dearly.  I regret those years that we did not speak.

Reach out to your family!  It may be one of the most difficult things that you ever do.  It may also be one of the most rewarding. 

Good Luck and God Bless.

Dave
Galveston

 

[elvisboy77]

Follow your heart.  If you have had pain from the disconnect then reconnecting cannot be any worse.  Sure, you could go see a shrink, it can help and has done for me, but they only assist in the work that only you can do- Forgiving yourself for your past, and learning from it rather than running from it.  Sounds like you already have done this or are ready to,based on what you said.

Hang in there, and good luck, you will be just fine.

[lucian]

Fortunately we can choose our friends,  unfortunately we have no choice with family. No one can change the past, so move on in a direction of your choosing. Shoot straight and fear not as no matter what the outcome you will feel better having tried. Best of luck moving forward.   dave

[John A]

It's more common than I thought,I was lucky enough to get time to have a relationship with my dad, however he drank himself to death at 75 . At least he had the good graces to go quickly . My wife has to limit her exposure with her mom, it's not going to change. I sense your pain, in my experience it was worth it to get to know the old folks before they were gone .

[rocker59]

Are they close by?  Either way, just pick up the phone and ask them if you can come visit.  Don't wait too long if they say, "Yes" and don't stay too long.  Repeat.

WARNING!  Personal opinion follows.  YMMV (and at least two of you disagree).
I'm all against the therapist thing.  I've had poor experiences with three.  I think, in this case, they will just breed anxiety.  Sounds like you're anxious enough already.  The best thing is to not wait and just do it.

 :1:

Call.  Set up a visit.  Don't dig up any old bones. Keep it positive.  Don't stay long.  Leave on a high note. 

If it goes well, and after you've soaked it all in for a few days or a week, call and set up another visit.

[bobrebos]

Im one of the alcoholic addict's in my family( there are a couple of others).  Ive been clean for ten years now.  The rest of them are still in the alcohol binge stage so I stay clear.  My advice is to live your life and not put your sobriety at risk......no matter what.   If you would be at risk for a relapse I would say no to expecting any great re-connection.  Just my 2 cents......

[LowRyter]

be patient.  be realistic and not overly optimistic.

don't get sucked into negative patterns and unresolvable conflicts.

don't be disappointed

good luck

[Waltr]

  The people here never stop amazing me.  Lets just say I know I am not alone, and neither are you.  As far as reconnecting be honest with yourself and your goals for doing so.  It pays to write everything down no matter how evident things seem.

  So often in these situations harm has been done on both sides.  Without thinking of yourself concentrate on where you are at fault and what you did and write these things down.  When you sit back and look at the list know that clearing up and making amends for your your end is all you can and should do.   You have to forget about what was done to you because it is not an excuse for doing the right thing.

  Clearing up or attempting to make restitution will free you. But be prepared to take your lumps without falling into resentment.
 

[balvenie]

                My "escape" from my toxic family was successful because I found and fell in love wth someone who loved me. That gave me the strength to disconnect from them all. IMO, you need a relationship like that to sustain you, to fall back on, through the ups and downs of everyday life itself. Reconnecting with your family will add a burden and you will need someone by your side to see you through the shocks and surprises that you have not anticipated.
                Take small steps at first. Don't jump in with both feet. Discuss it with your "significant other"; after all, they will have to live with what you are going through too.