Dealing with loss

[lucian]

What's the secret? Finding it harder to keep my chin up lately .   a lot of the puzzle is missing . Keeping busy ain't doing it like it used to. Distraction ain't a solution. TIA

[Ncdan]

Hang in there Buddy, it’ll be ok👍

[Perazzimx14]

The secret is if you are struggling it time to get help. You don't have to carry all the bricks yourself.

[AJ Huff]

Been a painful year here also. We finally had a memorial service and a lot of us finally got some sense of closure. I think ceremony helps.

-AJ

[yogidozer]

Without knowing your loss, all I can suggest is to remember the good times.
If you have a family member, or close friend, talk to them.
Share your grief with them, as well as the good memories.
And believe what I do, you'll be with them when the time comes, whether it was a person or pet/best friend

[bettythebear]

I wholeheartedly recommend getting help from a professional. I think it's important to realize that one doesn't have to go to a pro to "get fixed", but as someone who has gotten that help on and off for years it is great to have an impartial person who is advocating for you and your well being.

I also think it's important to open up about it to those you are able to do so with. I know most of us on this board are men, and frankly I think society at large has given us the shit end of the stick as far as expectations on how we deal with our own emotions. I consider myself very lucky to have been brought up differently, but it is very rare in my life that I have other male friends who are comfortable with that part of themselves.

Lastly, I'm attaching an article about a new phrase that was developed not too long ago: "shadow loss". Knowing that it's ok to deeply grieve when it isn't just a matter of losing a living being that we were attached to.

https://therealmainstream.com/shadowloss-a-new-understanding-of-loss-and-grief/

Whatever you're going through, there is a way to get through it.

[Rough Edge racing]

 Good suggestions here.....The pain never goes away but in time you learn to live with it. The old saying may help fake it till you make it....
  I grieve for myself at times due to a suspect future...But then I take a ride on one of my internal combustion two wheel machines...Open up the throttle ,let the noise and shifting take me away on a magic carpet ride...I come home with a smile....

[Moparnut72]

I don't know how to say this but I think you are lucky in a way. You have become close enough to someone to have to grieve a loss. Something in my life has messed with me in that I don't allow myself to get close to anyone because I can't stand the loss that could result. Fortunately I have a great wife but I was single for many years, not a happy time but I couldn't fix it. Grieve as you must then get your feet back under you by focusing on a worthwhile endeavor. I hope I am not out of line. It WILL get better, just takes some time.
Karl

[BRG-BIRD]

My best friend, companion and lover Mary Rose Lange passed away June 2020 from cancer, it was a rough time leading up to her death and very rough after. I made a promise to myself to not get stuck in 2020 and her passing and that I needed to continue to move forward while honoring her. The last line in Neil Pearts book Ghost Rider is “dedicated to the future with honor to the past”.

 Faith if you are so inclined, friends that are willing to listen and not try to fix it, facing all the demons and bad memories and guilt and all the good times as well were very important. Professional help might be of help to you, it takes a strong person to ask for help.

Let me know how I can help you and I’m sorry for your loss

[Stretch]

When I was going through a horrific divorce, a friend of mine suggested that I might go and talk with
a counselor.

It was very, very good advice....... 

I also found out who my really good friends were, which was tremendously heartening all by itself.

Best of luck to ya - remember this too shall pass.

                                             -Stretch

[Guzzi Gal]

The secret is there is no secret, we all deal with loss differently. Take each day as it comes and find something to be grateful for. When a bad thought bubbles up, examine it and try to find its silver lining. Even tarnished silver is worth something.

Many of the suggestions above are spot on, try a few and see what sticks. If they don't work, come back and list what you've tried and ask for help. Nobody here will turn you away.

Above all, be kind to yourself and visit WG often!

[cliffrod]

I don't have any great words of wisdom, Lucian.  But maybe some of these things will be relevant.

I've done the divorce thing x2, the counseling afterwards that seemed shallow (to me) when the hour was up and a bill was handed to me or I was told it was time to leave before the next appointment and lots of other things.  I don't know what it's like to have a spouse pass after many years. With years of eldercare for widows and a widower now under my belt and not done yet, I understand it's the not the same.  And when I spend weeks or months cutting a stone, I now think a lot more about the reason the stone is needed and those who lost their loved one.

I do know that in recent years I've developed some close relationships with other men, most around faith, and how those relationships have allowed me new opportunities to not be "alone." Life didn't miraculously change, but I don't have to pretend with those men.   That helps a lot.  I've never done the typical jocular bs stuff with the guys. We didn't do the stuff around the farm in VT that the guys do at the sports bar out here in the real world in SC.  Finding the right men made a big difference in my world.  It helped a lot to find men who have faith but that were just as stupid as I've been.  That helps eliminate the pretense and deepens our comnection.

There seems to be a lot of heavy lifting (literal and figurative) in my life.  It helps a lot when someone else can share the load, even if it's just for a little while.  Superman doesn't live at my house anymore. 

[pete mcgee]

Life, there are times you wonder, why and why me.
Good friends and someone to talk through your issues helps.
Professional help, councilling and if needed prescribed drugs can and do make a difference.
Also get out of the house, walk in the sunshine and try and be positive (not in anyway easy at times, believe me I know).
Dont bottle it in, reach out and get some help.

[SIR REAL ED]

Try to do something nice everyday , rescue an animal , help at a food kitchen , call a friend who might be lonely . Small gestures , trying to save the world is too big a chore especially for us older folks . There is someone out there who needs what you have to offer , or an animal who would love to be your companion , we all need to feel a sense of being needed , it keeps us viable as a person .

 Dusty

Dusty nailed it!!!!!!!

I know it sounds trite, but it is true:  "Shared joy is double joy.  Shared sorrow is half sorrow."

That is for the mental end of it.  For the physical end, seek professional help.

Other than that "One foot in front of the other, Soldier.  One foot in front of the other."

[Dirk_S]

Life is both happiness and hardships. Neither alone should be expected. Talking with someone helps get you out of your own head over time. I’m in Dover, NH, if you ever want to meet halfway and go for a ride and coffee!

[Wayne Orwig]

What's the secret? Finding it harder to keep my chin up lately .   a lot of the puzzle is missing . Keeping busy ain't doing it like it used to. Distraction ain't a solution. TIA

Spending time in the garage or riding distracts me. But eventually it hits me again.
If you find anything that helps long term, let me know.

[egschade]

All good suggestions and I echo what Guzzi Gal says - we all suffer loss differently. I found that focusing on my surviving family - redirecting my lost love as it were - was crucial. Had to think about what I had while not forgetting about what I lost.

Time helped me learn how to navigate the hole in my life but it can't ever fill the void. If you're having trouble, talk to family, friends, support groups or get professional help. You're not alone and sharing your grief will help whereas hiding or ignoring it won't.

[Dave Swanson]

My wife passed a year and a half ago.  Before she passed there were many years of watching MS take her life away piece by piece.  Caring for her was the focal point of my life for so long that I am still adjusting to life without that central purpose.

Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, but I guarantee you there will come a time when memories that used to bring tears to your eyes will bring a smile to your face.   Our dearly departed would not want us to spend the precious remainder of our lives in grief, but would want us to be happy for the time we had together.   

[ToddK]

I don't know you, but I know loss. I'm sorry to hear your going through it, brother, try to remember you're not alone in your struggles. In my experience it is often what I describe as a "wavy" feeling/experience, in that the intensity of the sensation, and the knowledge of the finality of the loss, tends to fluctuate IMMENSELY.
If your loss is of a loved one, I was told once that over time those painful memories lessen, and you start to remember, and cherish, the GOOD memories of your shared life more frequently. I have found this to be largely true. However, this is only to an extent, and after TIME. That's the real thing.
Loss is like the worst wound you can imagine your body having, only to your psyche, soul, heart, you name it. Healing will take serious time. And effort. I have some FANTASTIC methods at dealing with stress/depression/etc it's willing myself to use them that is the problem! One thing that I KNOW, is that getting off your ass, or otherwise out of your routine, is STRONG Medicine! Move a muscle change a thought...
Also, "Be here now."
☮️

[Gliderjohn]

This is so individualistic. I was adopted by older parents that both came from large families. By the time I graduated from college I had lost many and kind of became hardened to death even. Then in 2001 my first wife of 23 years passed unexpectedly. Due to that I can hardly even threaten a mouse anymore.
But one needs to move on. Staying busy, meeting with others and getting out and doing things is very important. Significant bad events always hurt and continue to hurt but the hurt generally lessens with time. A good friend of mine lost his wife to cancer a few years ago and has basically turned into a hermit. Makes a sad situation even sadder.
Please push yourself to move on and stay in the world, not your house. Good luck.
GliderJohn

[inditx]

A wise man once said about the loss of a loved one, “Their absence is forever present.”
As others have said, it is not only ok to grieve but necessary and one size/type of mourning doesn't fit all.
It is so individual. Let no one hurry nor delay your own processing.
Memories are so precious and we do well to speak of those departed often and by name.
Time is the most precious commodity we all have because we don’t know anyone’s expiration date. The future is not ours to know.
Much love and prayer for you brother.
You are not alone even though you may be lonely.
inditx aka Jack

[cappisj1]

You have reached out for help from us and thats great but find a professional to talk to also. They are trained professionals that can really help you through things like this. Make the call, let them help. Sometimes you just can’t do it on your own and that’s ok. Hang in there!

[Sykestone8886]

Hang in there, I lost two good friends in the last 30 days, it’s not easy, I don’t have the answers but talking to people helps.

[lucian]

I  want to thank all of you who took the time to respond , I feel very lucky to be part of this group and really appreciate all of the wisdom and experiences shared. My condolences to all of you who have struggled thru similar  sad times . I will be attending my good friend Joe's burial at sea this weekend and am in hopes that some time spent with his family, and sharing some memories will help lift the cloud that seems to have settled over me lately. I am truly touched by all of you who reached out to help someone you have never met.  I no longer feel I have to deal with things solo thanks to all of you.  Dave

[SIR REAL ED]

I  want to thank all of you who took the time to respond , I feel very lucky to be part of this group and really appreciate all of the wisdom and experiences shared. My condolences to all of you who have struggled thru similar  sad times . I will be attending my good friend Joe's burial at sea this weekend and am in hopes that some time spent with his family, and sharing some memories will help lift the cloud that seems to have settled over me lately. I am truly touched by all of you who reached out to help someone you have never met.  I no longer feel I have to deal with things solo thanks to all of you.  Dave

Lucian,  I hope that ceremony helps.  I think of a few I have been to, tough to walk thru the door, then after a while the stories start flowing....

"Do you remember the time that dumbass did......."

"I will never forget when he did......."

"I hated that guys for quite a while.... then we became great friends!"

The laughter over the general tomfoolery that is much of life helps.  The loss is permanent, but recalling the gift of time spent together with friends is often a way to realize that the much greater loss would have been to never have had that person in your life.

I was asked to give a eulogy in front of 800 people for five members of the same family who died in a plane crash.  Very close friends, including the Best Man at my wedding.

I recall thinking "How can I honor them?  What can I possibly say?"  After recalling much silliness and foolishness of our youth spent together, and all the idiotic interpretations we once clung to, all I could think was "They honored me by sharing some of the precious time of their brief life with me!"  How could I not realize what a gift that was?

[Chet Rugg]

Lost my wife of 45 years to cancer  Jan. 28 2020. Lost myself too. I just turned it over to god. Still waiting. I'm sure another chapter is out there somewhere. Patience is hard when ya need an answer but I always look back on things that I had to turn over and every time it was taken care of. Usually not as quickly as we want it to be.

[John A]

I’ve come to believe that we are not humans looking for a spiritual existence but are spirits experiencing a human existence. We exist in two different realms and we are here to learn so that we can progress in the spiritual realm. We will be together again.

[yogidozer]

I’ve come to believe that we are not humans looking for a spiritual existence but are spirits experiencing a human existence. We exist in two different realms and we are here to learn so that we can progress in the spiritual realm. We will be together again.

Wow, John. I've often thought the same thing.
Especially the part, We will be together again.
Gives us hope, makes the pain more bearable

[davedel44]

Dave,

I write about what I'm feeling.  Getting it out of my head and my heart onto a piece of paper seems to help.  Often I cry when I write.  Soometimes the paper gets so sodden that I have to start over.  Then, I put it away and revisit it as often as I feel is necessary.  Then I figure out what parts make the most sense to me.  Boil it down to a couple of paragraphs, then put it away again, knowing that I can revisit that piece whenever I want to or need to.

Dave

Grateful for my kind Guzzi Sisters and Brothers and Others.

[pete mcgee]

Lucian,
Funerals or services are not for those who have departed, they are for the ones left behind, it starts the healing process.
Remember the good times, time does diminish the hurt, but not the good memories they stay.