Author Topic: roomba poopocalypse  (Read 1380 times)

Offline wheaties

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roomba poopocalypse
« on: November 13, 2017, 06:18:16 PM »

It occurs to me that the wild goose may not have taken the time to to consider one of the greatest man/machine conflicts of the last five years.

The story by Jesse Newton:

So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It's taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough - something that's probably happened to most of you.

Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy Evie pooped on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she's done this, so it's probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. Now, if you have a detective's mind, you may be wondering how we know the poop occurred between midnight and 1:30am. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame?

Why, friends, that's because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep. And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.
If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I'm about to tell you.

Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids' toy boxes. If it's near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding - like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.

Then, when your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you'll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you'll walk into the living room. And you'll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you'll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything's okay. Like it's proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.

And then the horror. Oh the horror.

So, first you clean the child. You scrub the poop off his feet and put him back in bed. But you don't bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what's coming. It's inevitable, and it's coming at you like a freight train. Some folks would shrug their shoulders and get back in bed to deal with it in the morning. But you're not one of those people - you can't go to sleep with that war zone of poop in the living room.

So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn't just on your hands - it's smeared up to your elbows. You already heard the Roomba make that "whirlllllllllllllll ll-boop-hisssssssss" noise that sounds like electronics dying, and you realize you forgot to pull the battery before getting it wet. More on that later.

Oh, and you're not just using profanity - you're inventing new types of profanity. You're saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there's no way he's not ending up in prison.

Then you get out the carpet shampooer. When you push it up to the rug - the rug that started it all - the shampooer just laughs at you. Because that rug is going in the trash, folks. But you shampoo it anyway, because your wife loved that damn rug, and you know she'll ask if you tried to clean it first.

Then you get out the paper towel rolls, idly wondering if you should invest in paper towel stock, and you blow through three or four rolls wiping up poop. Then you get the spray bottle with bleach water and hose down the floor boards to let them soak, because the poop has already dried. Then out comes the steam mop, and you take care of those 25-ft poop trails.
And then, because it's 6am, you go to bed. Let's finish this tomorrow, right?

The next day, you finish taking the Roomba apart, scraping out all the tiny flecks of poop, and after watching a few Youtube instructional videos, you remove the motherboard to wash it with a toothbrush. Then you bake it in the oven to dry. You put it all back together, and of course it doesn't work. Because you heard the "whirlllllllllllllll-boop-hissssssss" noise when it died its poopy death in the bathtub. But you hoped that maybe the Roomba gods would have mercy on you.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. After spending a week researching how to fix this damn $400 Roomba without spending $400 again - including refurb units, new motherboards, and new batteries - you finally decide to call the place where you bought it. That place called Hammacher Schlemmer. They have a funny name, but they have an awesome warranty. They claim it's for life, and it's for any reason.

So I called them and told the truth. My Roomba found dog poop and almost precipitated World War III.

And you know what they did? They offered to replace it. Yes, folks. They are replacing the Roomba that ran over dog poop and then died a poopy, watery death in the bathtub - by no fault of their own, of course.

So, mad props to Hammacher Schlemmer. If you're buying anything expensive, and they sell it, I recommend buying it from them. And remember - don't let your Roomba run over dog poop.

The source:
https://www.facebook.com/jesse.newton.37/posts/776177951574
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Offline Guzzi Gal

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2017, 07:21:11 PM »
I managed to get as far as "the poopening", before I could no longer contain my composure.   

Edit-Also known as the “the crapening”.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2017, 08:27:28 AM by Guzzi Gal »
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Offline Matteo

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2017, 08:32:02 PM »
A veritable shit storm💩💩💩
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Offline betres

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2017, 09:13:14 PM »
Where's Les Nesbitt when you need him.........

Offline fotoguzzi

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2017, 09:18:32 PM »
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Offline sidmonsters

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2017, 09:22:39 PM »
Funny s--t.  I just heard about this scenario from a registered veterinary technician I work with, and I peed myself laughing then.  You've done better...outstandin g storytelling.  Unfortunately.  I always tell my clients, "There is no such thing as a free puppy/kitten."
I intend to live forever.  So far, so good....
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Offline Triple Jim

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2017, 09:23:16 PM »
You're by far not the first one to find out about this.  I don't have personal experience, but I have heard firsthand stories.
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Online Rich A

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2017, 09:47:25 PM »
You're by far not the first one to find out about this.  I don't have personal experience, but I have heard firsthand stories.

Victim here, less than a week ago. My puppy learned how to turn on the Eufy (cheaper version of a Roomba). She also happened to poop nearby. Fortunately, it didn't spread the poop all over the house and it was on a tile floor, but it was no fun cleaning the thing.

Rich A
« Last Edit: November 13, 2017, 09:48:59 PM by Rich A »

Online Turin

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2017, 11:05:36 PM »
Hilarious! If I was on the fence about getting a Roomba, I'm not anymore. That has to be the public service announcement of the year.
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Offline pete mcgee

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2017, 11:37:32 PM »
That story should start with the line,
"I sh*t you not".
Hilarious


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Online Tom H

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2017, 11:46:32 PM »
That story should start with the line,
"I sh*t you not".
Hilarious

LMAO  :bow: :thumb:

On the serious side, I'm glad that you were able to come out of this with some humor about it. I would have had a hissey fit that night.

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Offline wheaties

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2017, 07:18:22 AM »
  You've done better...outstandin g storytelling.  ."

You're by far not the first one to find out about this.

I cannot claim credit for writing the story or the having the experience.  This is a story posted by Jesse Newton.  I just about fell out of my chair reading about it and it occurred to me that this forum might enjoy it.

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Offline Sasquatch Jim

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2017, 08:37:44 AM »
  A true "Awe shit story.
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Offline Tom

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Offline Guzzistajohn

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2017, 07:12:46 PM »
Defacately a shitty story. I could never have roomba my schnauzers would shake it to pieces
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Offline tris

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2017, 08:02:03 AM »
.......
Oh, and you're not just using profanity - you're inventing new types of profanity. You're saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there's no way he's not ending up in prison........

THIS

With me its the realisation that the downstairs toilet isn't flushing as I expect so I go out and pull the manhole cover on the patio and find the chamber full to the brim of every type of  unmentionable

So off I go to find the drain rods.

But I know that since the 2 manholes are further apart than my extended set of rods whichever manhole I start at it will be the wrong one and I'll have to drag the whole 20 metre kit and caboodle across to the other one and start again  :angry:

My family know to keep out of my way every 3rd or 4th year when this happens :evil:



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Offline Pop

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2017, 09:46:40 AM »
It's the technology! It's already too late! We are in for a s--t storm of epic proportions.
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Offline rodekyll

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Re: roomba poopocalypse
« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2017, 06:59:14 PM »
Earns an "O Hellno" award.  That's like an O Henry, but without the twist -- pretty much a staight-up plot.

Now let's cross this up with the AI topic and see where it goes.

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