A wee bit of Irish humor

[jlburgess]

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....

[Waltr]

  I needed a good laugh!

[yogidozer]

humor, or personal experience??? ;D

[rdbandkab]

I'm forwarding this to my redheaded wife..  (I've not seen her Irish temper............. ........yet!)

[56Pan]

Paddy O'Riley worked in the Guinness brewery, fell in the beer vat one day and drowned.  His 3 buddies drew straws to see who would carry the bad news to Mrs. O'Riley.  Mick drew the short one and headed to the O'Riley house.  He knocked on the door, took his cap off and Mrs. O'Riley came to the door.  He said,"I'm so sorry to tell you of this grievous thing, Mrs. O'Riley, but Paddy has fallen into the vat and drowned."  Mrs. O'Riley said,"Oh, dear God!  Did he suffer?"  Mick said,"It's not likely ma'am.  He got out 3 times to piss."

[Kev m]

An Englishman, A Scott, and an Irishman all walk into a pub together and order 3 pints of Guinness.

When the three pints are put up on the bar for them, they notice there's a fly in each one.

The Englishman pushes his pint back to the bartender refusing it with a look of disgust.

The Scott picks out the fly, flicks it across the room and proceeds to drink.

The Irishman picks up the fly, holding it over the pint screams "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUUUUUUT!!!!!!"

 :BEER:

[charlie b]

The Irishman picks up the fly, holding it over the pint screams "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUUUUUUT!!!!!!"

 :BEER:

Sounds like a Guzzi rider :D

[Markcarovilli]

I'm forwarding this to my redheaded wife..  (I've not seen her Irish temper............. ........yet!)

I don't think I'll forward to my Italian wife - somehow it will get lost in translation.....

Mark

[cloudbase]

Paddy O'Riley worked in the Guinness brewery, fell in the beer vat one day and drowned.  His 3 buddies drew straws to see who would carry the bad news to Mrs. O'Riley.  Mick drew the short one and headed to the O'Riley house.  He knocked on the door, took his cap off and Mrs. O'Riley came to the door.  He said,"I'm so sorry to tell you of this grievous thing, Mrs. O'Riley, but Paddy has fallen into the vat and drowned."  Mrs. O'Riley said,"Oh, dear God!  Did he suffer?"  Mick said,"It's not likely ma'am.  He got out 3 times to piss."

Alternate ending:

Trying to find a tactful way to break the news, the guys selected Monaghan to do it, since he actually had some formal schooling.  Monaghan knocks on O'Riley's door.  Mrs. O'Riley answers, and Monaghan says,

"Are you the widow O'Riley?"

She says, "My name is O'Riley,  but I'm not a widow."

Monaghan says, "The f**k you ain't!"

[dan_s]

Comedian Rich Hall read a headline in the Irish paper, "Cork man drowns". He said that when he told it in a show in Ireland no one laughed.

http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/cork-man-drowns-in-lake-garda-100189.html

[dilligaf]

  I needed a good laugh!

Me too.  :BEER:
Matt

[Lannis]

Comedian Rich Hall read a headline in the Irish paper, "Cork man drowns". He said that when he told it in a show in Ireland no one laughed.

http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/cork-man-drowns-in-lake-garda-100189.html

Probably because to the Irish, "Cork" primarily means the city, and they'd have to be reminded that it also refers to the under-bark of the cork oak.

To the rest of us, "cork" primarily means the light stuff that floats, and the penny would have to drop to realize that there's an Irish city named that ..... ?

Lannis

[rdbandkab]

His name probably wasn't Bob.....

[Carlo DeSantis]

His name probably wasn't Bob.....

<rimshot>

 :D

[56Pan]

Alternate ending:

Trying to find a tactful way to break the news, the guys selected Monaghan to do it, since he actually had some formal schooling.  Monaghan knocks on O'Riley's door.  Mrs. O'Riley answers, and Monaghan says,

"Are you the widow O'Riley?"

She says, "My name is O'Riley,  but I'm not a widow."

Monaghan says, "The f**k you ain't!"

 :+1  I know when I'm beat.

[Waterbottle]

Paddy and Mick are on their way home from a pub in Belfast when suddenly there's a huge explosion, bits of building and body parts flying everywhere.
A head rolls across the street to where they are ,
 Mick picks it up high to look at it and says " Hey Paddy, it's Seamus "
 Paddy says " Naah, Seamus was never that tall "

[gwb_mg]

Sitting here in the hospital I needed this, thanks guys. :BEER: :BEER: :BEER:

[boatdetective]

Paddy and Mick are sitting in the front of a pub looking across the street at the front door of the local "house of ill repute".

Before long, they see the local Protestant minister walk down the street, stop, then sneak into the brothel.

Paddy says, "will you look there, him bein' a man o' the cloth. What a terrible thing." They both agree, toast, and continue watching.

Fifteen minutes later, the local rabbi strolls down the street, looks both ways, then slips through the door of the brothel.

Mick shakes his head and says, " Can you imagine that? And think of the Jews and all they've been through- to be faced with this shame."  They both clink glasses, have a tug, and continue thier vigil.

A while later, the local Catholic priest walks down the street, looks both ways witha furtive glance, and dashes inside the cat house.

Paddy says, " Aah, will ye look at Father Mulcahey, such a man. One of the girls inside must be terribly ill."